Stephen Colbert lamented the official start Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential campaign on Wednesday night after the ex-president’s statement on Tuesday. “It’s 2016 again,” he joked, “put on Beyoncé’s Lemonade, throw on the female Ghostbusters because we’re Pokemon going back to hell.”
Trump’s announcement at Mar-a-Lago, a 63-minute speech during which attendees tried unsuccessfully to leave the ballroom, was almost universally panned even in the conservative press. “It’s true, he seems disinterested, low on energy and frankly spent,” the Late Night host said. “The crowd will have to change their chant to wake him up!”
Trump’s speech “was such a poor event, even his family didn’t show it,” he added. Don Jr.’s flight was “stuck in bad weather” and Ivanka was a no-show; she posted on her Instagram story that she “doesn’t plan to get involved in politics” because “this time I decided to prioritize my young children.
“This time? You know it was your little kids last time,” Colbert said. “They were actually younger kids. But you know what they say — the younger the kids, the less they need you.
“From start to finish, this announcement was a pathetic, sleepy verbal wreck towards Snoozeville,” he concluded. “He didn’t ride a single escalator, and in the little time I watched, I thought, ‘I’ve never seen anything sadder in my life.’
Even Fox News cut from Trump’s speech in what Colbert described as “a real ‘stop grandpa’s toast at the wedding’ energy.”
“Despite so much going for the GOP, she managed to throw it all away by marching closely behind the least popular politician in the history of the polls, Donald Trump,” he said. Seth Meyers on Late Night, citing the GOP’s disappointing performance in the midterms earlier this month.
Trump “crisscrossed the country campaigning for his hand-picked clown car of doinks and dudes in key states across the country, and with a few exceptions they lost,” Meyers explained, prompting many Republicans to urge him to delay his announcement campaigns for 2024. .
“It’s funny that after six years of being bullied and humiliated by Donald Trump and drawing red lines that they crossed over and over without consequence, they suddenly thought they could start telling him what to do,” laughed Meyers. “It’s like when I tell my kids to behave because this time dad means it, and they just smirk and say, ‘Shit, go get us some frozen yogurt.’
“I think I speak for sane people everywhere when I say we’re done with this crap,” he added of the announcement itself. “We are not doing 2016 again. No more shots of empty podiums, no more hour-long interviews where he can lie without remorse, no more breathlessly reading every deranged statement he farts on social media.”
Trump’s campaign has set up a likely showdown with his main GOP rival, Ron DeSantis, who handily won re-election as Florida governor this month. “I have no idea which of these morons is going to beat the other and win,” Meyers said, “but it’s sure going to be interesting to watch them destroy each other.”
Donald Trump was “back by unpopular demand”, he said Jimmy Kimmel, although “if he beat Joe Biden in 2020, as he has consistently claimed, he shouldn’t even be allowed to run.” He’s out now.”
Kimmel believed that Trump’s main motivation for a second term was protection from multiple criminal and civil investigations. “He’s basically a bank robber on the run from the cops,” he explained, “and the White House is the dumpster behind Arby’s that he’s trying to hide in.”
Trump’s Mar-a-Lago announcement was “a weird, rambling speech with so many false statements you wonder where he’s getting them from,” Kimmel noted, boasting, for example, that he’s “gone decades” without starting a war. “Even Donald Trump thinks his four years in office felt like a decade,” Kimmel laughed. “He was so low energy we might have to start calling him Jeb.”
Kimmel also noted Ivanka’s conspicuous absence at Mar-a-Lago on Tuesday; the former president’s daughter said in a statement that “while I will always love and support my father, I will do so outside the political arena in the future.”
“I don’t know, he can’t do it without Ivanka,” Kimmel said. “It’s like a reboot of Sex and the City without Samantha. I mean, you need the character.”